Dear Third Baby,
The truth is….I was perfectly tipsy when I told your dad we should try for you. Your other siblings were a thousand miles away and I was being wined and dined by your dad as part of my Mother’s Day present. (Life is so ironic). The universe didn’t care that I was sipping champagne under a full moon. I should’ve known better. That night in NYC you were conceived, almost like I had made a wish and it came true. The truth is, I always wanted you, I was just not brave enough to actually do it. It feels a little like being pushed off a cliff when I couldn’t take the leap myself. I am still scared that I won’t do a good enough job now that I’m giving my attention, my heart, and my soul to one more perfect being, but I’ll try. And I want you to know that you can be brave in your life even if it means you will be challenged or scared; the outcome is always greatness.
Love, Mom
Lions and Tigers and Babies? Oh My!
Four months ago, my life was working out according to plan. My marriage has survived and thrived through raising my teenage stepson, new businesses, and two toddlers. We were taking vacations without the kids, we had said goodbye to plastic sippy cups and diapers. Our oldest was headed to college, we had one going to kindergarten and a full-day preschooler. Then, on Father’s Day, I found out I was pregnant. After I told my husband the news, I wanted to blame him for not getting a vasectomy. I was scared and I felt like I did something wrong. To top it off, I’d probably have to get a minivan now.
I think I can, I think I can
This pregnancy, my third, had above and beyond the normal swirl of emotions that my previous pregnancies included. I felt like a teenager who was afraid to tell her parents something. I felt ashamed instead of being excited. I felt doomed and scared and worried. Once I started telling people, some of the heaviness lifted. They were excited! They thought I could actually do this. It wasn’t so weird to them that I was having a third baby, so why was it to me? Just because I hadn’t carefully planned this one? Because we had talked about it a few times but I’d always talk myself out of it? Things were so good. We had a rhythm. We had it figured out. Then the Universe laughed and said, “I’ll show you!”
My stress and anxiety became overwhelming. I had to make lists so that I would complete the most basic of tasks.
-take a shower
-run the dishwasher
-eat breakfast
-play with your kids
Fake it ’til you make it
I had two little kids for the whole summer and I simply couldn’t let them down. I had to push myself everyday to do our usual outings, crafts and weekend road trips. I had to prove to them and myself that I could be a good mom to them, let alone another child. I had to get through the first trimester and it seemed to last all summer. Eventually, I decided to let myself be excited instead of worried. I chose joy instead of doubt. Then, I talked to everyone I knew that had three kids as if to collect some secret information and reaffirmation that things would really be ok. As an only child myself, the idea of all these kids both thrills me and freaks me out. My husband may have said the best thing that anyone could’ve said to me one night when I was in tears. He said, “It was just us before them and it will still just be us after they leave, we’re in this together.” I had totally forgotten I wasn’t doing this all by myself. I was making mountains out of molehills. And of course, my hormones were not helping.
Am I depressed or just pregnant?
I didn’t see it clearly until I was in the 2nd trimester, but I had suspected pregnancy blues and told my healthcare provider I was having these intense feelings. Since I had experienced PPD after my first was born I knew I was more likely to go through it again and am very careful to track such feelings. Am I depressed or just pregnant? was something I asked myself all the time. Luckily, I think I was just pregnant because when the Second Trimester hit I magically went back to my old self and passing newborns in the store didn’t make me want to throw up or give me intense feelings of running away. I LOVE BABIES! I love being pregnant! I love nesting and searching the internet for nursery ideas. I love when the baby app tells me what size fruit my baby resembles. I am so lucky to be experiencing this again and its all going to work out. Even if its not something I perfectly planned.
Talk it out!
Hormones can play tricks on us, but if you verbalize your feelings or write them down, it can help you see more clearly. This can be so hard, especially with your first baby because you might think its normal to feel emotional/sad/anxious. It isn’t, at least not for too long. And though Ive never had to be medicated for anxiety or depression during pregnancy, I got very close this time and wouldn’t have hesitated to take something if I was still feeling this way now. It’s so important for us moms to be happy and feel safe. It is so important to talk to your healthcare provider if you are struggling with anxiety or depression. I still feel scared and, in some moments, very overwhelmed, so I try to stay in the present and take care of myself in that moment. The waves of fear and anxiety eventually pass and I know I can always ask for help if I need it. Motherhood is so amazing and all encompassing. Use your village and reach out. We’ve got this.
