It’s back to school time, but for us, it’s the first time going to school. The night before my big boy took off to his first day was harder on me than it was on him. All night I tossed and turned. Deep down inside I knew he needed this to fulfill his social life and his eagerness to learn new things.
Yes, I cried. Not in front of him. Just to myself. I let out a few sobs thinking of how fast the last few years have gone by. Why does it always seem like we beat ourselves up wondering if we spent enou
gh time with them, taught them the right things, held them long enough, read them enough books and even just snuggled them long enough? Ugh… mom guilt.
It’s moments like this that really slow you down to take a long hard look at life and what truly matters.
As I stood outside his classroom, he ran in so excited to hang up his backpack, put his folder and lunchbox away, and play with all the other kids. I had to choke back a few tears. He was my first born, my first baby. He taught me so much about myself that I never knew. I know he will do great in school; it’s just me wishing I had one more day to myself with him. We said goodbye with kisses and hugs and no tears at all (from him). I felt like it was one of those rip the “band aid off” moments that went by too quickly. I would have lingered outside the classroom if that wasn’t a sketchy thing to do in a school. But I know better, so I took my little toddler home and we spent the day missing brother together.
Once we were home, it was weird, to be honest, to not hear his giggle, his pleases and thank yous, or having to break up any fights that broke out with his little sister. It’s definitely a lot quieter around the house, but it made me realize how much I take that noise for granted sometimes. One day it won’t be there. That makes me sad. I sat with that for a moment as I let it sink in. It made me realize how lucky I am to have had the time with him that I did.
My day quickly turned around from letting mom guilt take me down and I focused on my little girl and the quality time I could now get with her. We played all day, made some cookies for big brothers after school snack, and I used nap time to get some work done.
Before I knew it, it was time for him to come home. My daughter and I sat on the front porch anxiously waiting for him to arrive and tell us all about his first day at school!
When he finally got home, he had so many great stories to share with us! My daughter literally jumped into his arms and would not let go of him. That evening I heard something that made me so proud. At school that day, he noticed a little boy sitting by himself. A para saw him go and grab the little boy and bring him over to play with him and some other kids. It absolutely melted my heart when I asked him why he did that and he told me, “Because I wanted him to not be sad and to have some friends to play with!” To him it meant nothing, but to me it meant everything. It confirmed in my busy mom brain that perhaps I had done something right in raising my little gentleman!
I’m beyond proud of him and as much as I didn’t want to let him go, I know this school year will bring amazing things for him and I’m so excited to watch it all unfold! To all the mamas out there that have jumped over the first day of school hurdle, this ones for you… much love!
