Years ago, I had the opportunity to share something “hard” with a dear friend. The concern I shared was something I saw separating her from people in her life, including me. With apprehension, but also with her best interest in mind and a strong sense that I was the one best suited to share this feedback with her, I sat her down one day and shared my concerns.
Her response was almost immediate recognition that what I was saying was true. I don’t believe she cried in front of me that day, but, I know she considered my comments, shared them with her mother, and shed tears over the following days. In short time, though, she began to make intentional changes in her life based on the feedback that I had provided. Even years after the conversation, both she and her mom have thanked me for being brave and sharing what I did.
I’ve thought about this conversation often throughout the years. I don’t believe I’ve had the same compulsion since to share something with a friend/family member/colleague the same way I did with her. But, I often wonder if I should. Or, if you should.
Here’s the thing: my guess is that all of us have at least one person that we’d like to have a hard conversation with. Perhaps it’s a colleague, our mother-in-law, a neighbor, or a friend. In this day and age when the prevailing sentiment is “I’m going to be me, I don’t care what anyone else thinks,” both giving and receiving constructive criticism isn’t super popular. But could it be that our lack of hard conversations ultimately hurts not only our relationships with specific people in our lives, but perhaps also their relationships with others? Have we let relationships drift over challenging, but fixable, conflicts? Is it that we don’t know how to honestly share hard things with those close to us? I’m by no means an expert, but, as someone who has both given and received some hard words over the years, here are a couple of things I’ve learned.
Constructive criticism ≠ judgement
When I talked to my friend many years ago, I presented her with some hard but helpful observations. My goal was to enlighten her on some patterns that she was perhaps blind to that I was able to see pretty clearly. My intent wasn’t to tear her down but to challenge and encourage her to move forward.
I would argue that constructive criticism has gotten a bad rap, so, let’s define a few terms. First, constructive criticism isn’t the same as judgement. While it may not always be fun to receive, its feedback that’s goal is to make you as the recipient better: a better friend, parent, teacher, cook, etc. Judgment is when people share their thoughts simply to disparage, make you feel bad about yourself, and offer no way to improve. Here’s an example of each:
Judgement: You are always mean to people.
Constructive Criticism: I’ve noticed that you sometimes speak in a way that is rude and hurts people’s feelings. Here are some examples.
The statement of judgment is blunt and leaves the recipient feeling horrible and shamed—basically, judged. The second statement is direct, but, the intention is for the recipient to consider others’ feelings based on concrete examples. While the recipient may be hurt by either remark, I think it is safe to say that the second statement will ultimately be much easier to hear, accept, and apply than the first, especially because the person offering it provides specific examples.
Here’s the thing: no one is perfect. No one has it all figured out and I believe we all benefit from some helpful critique from time to time. In my previous job, I gave presentations to middle and high school students and at the end of each presentation, I gave them an evaluation to complete anonymously. Let’s just say that if you don’t have thick skin, don’t even think about stepping foot in front of a group of 7th graders because they will eat you alive! But, in all seriousness, I so valued the honest feedback I received which I then incorporated into future presentations.
Do you have a friend who hurts people by often canceling plans? Do you have a family member whose sarcasm makes you dread attending your next family function? Does your coworker have a “my way or the highway” attitude making him the odd man out among your staff? Is there that mom in mom’s group whose self-righteous attitude means she’s rarely, if ever, included in ladies’ nights or other get-togethers? I’ve gotten to the age where while I don’t believe anyone is responsible for another person’s behavior, I do wonder if there is at least a little something to the idea that it does take a village for all of us at any age. What I mean is, what if your “canceling plans friend” had been called on her hurtful behavior three years ago, is there a chance she would have changed her ways? Perhaps not. But, perhaps yes. We’re all in this together, and I think it’s good to hear the occasional reminder that if we want to traverse the journey of life with some fellow travelers, we can’t be total buttheads.
So, if you feel led to share some feedback with someone with the hopes of them becoming a better version of themselves, be sure to:
1. Let them know you’d like to get together to discuss something important and have the conversation in person, ideally. Phone calls are back up. Texts and emails are far too easy to misinterpret, so don’t do it.
2. Tell them you appreciate their friendship/relationship and that is why you are sharing this with them.
3. Avoid judgmental statements and choose words that provide future strategies to improve.
4. Steer clear of “you always” or “you never” statements.
5. Be prepared that it might be AWKWARD. And, they may have hard words for you, too. Remember: relationships that can weather storms usually become stronger.
Note: There is no one right way to do just about anything parenting related so proceed with caution if you plan to give a friend parenting advice. Not that it should never be given, but be very intentional with when, how, and why you give it. NEVER give it publicly (i.e. on Social Media). It will never be taken the right way.
What about a stranger giving me unsolicited advice?
In 2005 I had the opportunity to attend a friend’s wedding. As I had a fairly nice 35 mm film camera, she asked if I would be willing to take some candid photos throughout the day. Let’s just say that my attempts to be an “amateur background candid photographer” were more than once thwarted that day. A close relative of the bride, who had traveled from the east coast, seemed to magically appear every time I took a photo. Without fail, she had a comment about each “candid” photo I took: “You should have had them move two feet that way so that the background was better.” Or, “that lighting is really bad, you should have stood over there.” I could go on. Needless to say, I started to get a little annoyed by these unsolicited pieces of advice.
As I reflect back on that experience, though, I can say with certainty that I now always take an extra second to make sure there aren’t stray people or strange objects in the background of photos, and, I turn myself to get a better angle or better lighting when needed. Honestly, I owe these tips to her. While I ultimately didn’t care for the way in which her feedback was delivered, or the simple fact that it was unsolicited, it didn’t mean that what she shared with me wasn’t true. I wasn’t a perfect photographer then, and am still not one now, but since 2005, I’ve been a bit more thoughtful each time I snap a photo and I have a stranger to thank for it.
As much as I believe constructive criticism is best delivered by a person close to us whom we trust, there are times when we will receive it from complete strangers. While the experience can be a little off-putting, I think it is important to take a breath and honestly evaluate whether or not their advice holds water. If it doesn’t, let it roll off your back. If it does, put on your big kid pants, take a breath, admit they were right, and go out there and be a better photographer, parent, runner, friend, etc. because you were humble enough to listen to some uncomfortable, but helpful, feedback. We’re all a part of this village together.
