Adults Can Be Bullies Too

 

As mothers, we often see our social media platforms address the age-old grade-school topic of bullying–on playgrounds and in schools and it’s really important. We aim to prevent childhood bullying and stop it in its tracks when we see it happening. We first need be prepared to teach our kids to be able to recognize when a behavior is bullying, and then they need to know how to act if bullies target them. This is a useful skill to learn young and carry with you throughout life because, in my experience, grown ups can be bullies too. 

This actually surprised me. I thought that, as people grew into adults, they understood that name calling in a typed message under the pretense of “just giving my opinion” or “just saying it like it is” is an unacceptable way to communicate with another human being; that they would be able to recognize that kind of behavior is bullying. 

If you’re like me, hurtful comments delivered via text or social media still cut deeply. They make me question who I am and turn me into a self-conscious person worrying whether the writer is right and maybe I am what they say I am. Most of us are more prone to dwell on a criticism rather than take strength from other positivity that we receive. 

I was lucky to have a year of therapy in my late teens. While I maybe didn’t fully appreciate it at the time, I came away with many tools for coping with difficult situations and I am utterly grateful for the experience. Here’s what I learned in therapy about bullying, what helps me cope when undue negativity is hurled in my direction, and what I will teach my children about how to deal with bullies. 

Remember These Tools

You will encounter people in life who say or type things to you with the sole intension of hurting your feelings. Hopefully not many, but chances are it will happen. When this happens, stay calm and take a deep breath. Recognize that the issue lies with the person who is saying or typing these words. It is not your issue, it is theirs, and it stems from something within that person such as a lack of self-confidence or jealousy. Sometimes I have to repeat the words, “this is not my issue” like a mantra until it really sinks in and I believe it. By framing it this way, it makes it easier to for me to separate the hurtful words from myself.  

We can’t control anyone else’s behavior or keystrokes, we can only control our own selves and how we react in these situations. Remain strong, courteous, and firm, and try to not let them get under your skin. Often a bully is just looking for a reaction from their target and by remaining calm and NOT engaging or reacting, it will likely take the wind out of their sails and they may move along. Stand up tall (or if you’re behind your computer screen, sit up tall), with your shoulders back – be confident (and pretend to be if you’re not feeling particularly confident at the moment) – bullies are only as powerful as we allow them to be. Finally, don’t keep it to yourself. Share it with someone who will hold your hand, give you a hug and build you up–your husband or wife, your mom or dad, or a good friend.

Sometimes criticism is warranted, it can help us grow and change and become better people. Criticism should always be delivered in a professional and calm way, preferably in person, but in writing is okay too, and should include specific examples of the behavior that you desire to change. While communicating, keep the focus on the behavior rather than making accusatory or passive aggressive statements towards the other person, and maintain an even tone of voice. The goal of criticism is not to tear someone down but to make a person aware of areas where they could improve, so include what specific actions you’re hoping to see as the result of the conversation. 

Sitting behind a screen and sending hurtful and rude messages is not constructive criticism nor is it decent human behavior. It doesn’t need to make you feel bad about yourself or ruin your day. Don’t let the bullies get you down!