What?!
Incredulous. Shocked. Unable to process the world around me. No swirling thoughts however, as I wasn’t having any.
I had convinced myself over and over that every gut reaction I was having was false. Not out of a sense of being negative, but of self-preservation and years of experience. You cannot override years of brain training thoughts in an instant.
All I could say was, “What?”
I guess a little rewinding is helpful. I have a daughter who lights up our lives. She is spunky, sassy, sweet, sticky…. everything you could want in a toddler. She is my firstborn, born of another mother. We went through the extreme adoption dramas that blessedly led us to her. We were always for adoption, but we thought after we had a biological child maybe first. Nope. A tongue-twister of Hyperprolactinemia was the ruler of my body for a while; a pituitary tumor (benign) that wreaked havoc on the hormones in my body. So we managed it and moved on (maybe I am SUPER fast forwarding… the managing and moving on took YEARS.) Because if it, I assumed I wasn’t going to ever get pregnant.
This year I accomplished a goal. I always wanted to say I ran a long distance, but I’m not a super dedicated athletic person. But I signed up for Grandma’s Half Marathon, started a training program, and got my husband on board. He knew better than I did what kind of commitment it would entail. But, I did all the technical stuff. March rolled around and training days began. It was great, hard, encouraging, and we met some fantastic people.
June came and so did the race. It was a blessedly cool day and I finished in my goal time. It hurt, it was hard, and I don’t have the desire to do it again right now, but I’m so proud of myself for doing it. That week, I could NOT seem to rebound from the race. I was exhausted and had odd aches and pains. I was late on my cycle, which is not weird for me, but I always test when I’m late, so if I want to enjoy a beverage, I don’t have that phantom nagging in my mind.
It’s all so clearly etched in my mind. It was a Thursday, and my husband had a long weekend off of work. I got up, took the test, waited, and was CONVINCED it was negative. Because it always has been. Why would five years of infertility change my mind, right?
Three minutes. Eternity still.
Positive.
What? Wait, what?!
In a flurry, I woke my husband up and made him read the test, too. I was in shock. I’ve had friends ask me if I cried when I saw my positive test, but I didn’t do anything. I was too shocked.
When my clinic opened for the day, I was “that lady” who was demanding (kindly) blood tests asap, and trying to navigate a more solid answer. I got in, and had to bring my daughter. She was scared the poke was for her. We cleared that up, and of course I saw EVERYONE there because this is Duluth, after all. They are super nice, but I was not ready to say why I was at the doctor’s office. Five years of negative tests have made me ultra cautious.
My doctor wasn’t seeing patients that day, but had seen my name and reason come through their system. She was so sweet, and understood why I was being a “little” uptight or highly strung. She was able to phone me the results, and all I remember her saying was, “Yep! You are definitely pregnant!”
My husband and I still have no idea how this happened (I mean, outside of the basic biology of things!). We don’t have answers on why my body suddenly changed. Was it the running? One can go crazy looking for an answer. No matter what, it was a miracle. Straight up.
But here’s what I do know. It wasn’t because I had learned to relax. I have a toddler with medical needs. I always have a busy mind. I also never once stopped thinking each day about why I wasn’t able to get pregnant. Infertility does that. You truly don’t realize it until you’ve had to walk through it yourself.
Telling your infertile friend, even if they miraculously (through science or not) get pregnant that it was because they relaxed isn’t helpful. Please don’t tell them it was because they adopted, either. Only abut 5% of women get pregnant after an adoption. You just only hear about them because it’s so different. I’ve been told HOW I got pregnant from random people. That’s crazy! And frustrating, I’ll be honest. Pleaaaaaaaase. Stop. Be excited, be happy, but don’t wave around a fake medical degree.
Sometimes, its still hard for me to believe I am pregnant. Even when I see the physical changes happening. I suppose, just like anyone, reality will hit at birth. So now, we will have two kids next year. Miraculously, our family is growing in a way we never expected.
I was able to find a group of women on Facebook who have walked slightly similar paths. We all know infertility in some capacity. It’s a safe place to experience our pregnancies without guilt, and work through retraining our brains to realize we are carrying a baby. That is a process, but isn’t that the best for motherhood? A group that understands you? It’s a beautiful thing, when you find your support.
