Do you remember when you were growing up and had dreams about what your life and your future family would look like? I remember some of those dreams. And, in them, since I was one of three kids in my family, naturally, I envisioned that I would have at least three children of my own one day.
As I got older, and eventually married, I think I just longed to have children and subscribed to the thought of having at least two kids since “it would be so nice for them to have a sibling.” In reality, though, when you toss in multiple miscarriages and a divorce, your plans of having the family you always pictured you’d have don’t necessarily come true.
Fortunately for me, it was those experiences of loss and drastically changed plans that helped me realize a truth that my younger self wasn’t wise enough to understand: every child you get to parent is a blessing… whether you have six or one.
Now, perhaps its just me but I feel like people often have strong opinions and ideas about families with just one child. More often than not, I think they are surprised that someone would choose to have one child and/or they feel pity for someone who for whatever reason has one child. And, I know a thing or two about these perspectives because I use to hold them. Fortunately, though, I have walked a little further down the road of life and can honestly say how narrow those perspectives seem to me now.
I have the privilege of being the mother of one of the most beautiful, sweet and intelligent little boys I’ve ever known. Becoming and living into my role as his mother has literally shifted the trajectory of my life in countless ways and I cannot imagine my life without him. As a single divorced mom who has entered that lovely space known as Advanced Maternal Age, there is always a chance that I could meet someone, get remarried and have more children—i.e. fulfilling those “dreams” of what I pictured my life and family looking like. And, let me just say for the record that should things not work out for Chris Pratt and his new girlfriend, I’d absolutely be game to let him take me to coffee and see where things go. But, should Chris never call, and should my son remain my one and only child, I would have zero complaints. I know other parents with one child who I believe feel similarly. The best way I can explain how I got to this place is with a story.
Before I begin, let me ask: do you ever imagine getting into a fight with someone over something they might say? Like “the next person who asks me why I’m still wearing my pajamas at 3pm is going to get a watermelon thrown at them” kind of thing? Well, I have to admit that I have imaginary fights with people in my head often and this one in particular would have been a battle.
At book club a few years ago, one of the women in our group was discussing her arduous experience of trying to have a child. She and her husband got married while she was in her mid-30s and fairly soon after getting married started trying to conceive. Getting pregnant wasn’t a problem, but staying pregnant was, and her first FIVE pregnancies ended in miscarriage. On her sixth try, she was able to conceive, remain pregnant, and carry to term her son who is now a happy and energetic elementary school-aged child.
I listened to her story that night just amazed at the journey she had been on. I had dealt with a few losses myself, but not FIVE in a row, with a SIXTH occurring sometime after the birth of her son. Wow. This woman had endured enough repeated pain and disappointment over a short few-year period that many never experience throughout an entire lifetime.
A few days after book club, this woman posted on Facebook some photos of her family on an adventure. The smiles on their faces brought instant tears of joy to my eyes, as they do again as I write this. When she and her husband gaze at their beautiful son, just as I do when I gaze at mine, they aren’t dwelling on what isn’t there but on who is there. HE is there. Her life would be incredibly different without her son just as mine would be vastly different without mine.
Thus, those tears of joy I cried for her became tears for my own experience, too. My journey of miscarriage, divorce and single motherhood is something I never dreamt of nor would I have signed up for it back when I was seventeen and thinking about my future. But, it is where I am and it is what is. Accepting what is and not constantly focusing on what isn’t has made the difference in all aspects of my life, but especially when it comes to loving and appreciating my relationship with my child.
Sure, has my friend at times lamented not having the opportunity to have another child? I know that she has grieved the loss of that dream, just as I know other parents have, too. But, what they’ve also learned, I believe, is that living everyday in a deficit mindset, i.e. always longing for what isn’t there, is no way to live and it sure as heck isn’t a great space for your child to grow up in, feeling as though they themselves aren’t enough. Whether you have one child or seven, the hope is that they aren’t defined simply by who they are in relationship to other people but who they are as individuals. I have two siblings whom I love dearly, but, I would be annoyed if I was constantly only being appreciated as being their sibling.
So, to get back to my imaginary fight. After reflecting on my friend’s journey of heartbreaking loss and then incredible joy of being able to have a child, I picture her sitting on the bench at one of her son’s soccer games. Some perhaps well-meaning person says something to her like “oh, it’s just too bad that you could only have one and that he doesn’t have a brother or sister.” This is where I envision myself crawling up from below the bleachers ninja style and quietly but effectively removing said commenter.
Is it wrong to wish for your friend’s child to have a sibling? No, it’s not wrong. I have many friends who were only children who have had multiple children because they wanted their kids to have a different experience. I also know only children who have gone on to purposely have just one child themselves. My gripe is with the question itself. A better question could be “tell me what its like having one child?” or “How has becoming a mom changed your life?” Asking questions isn’t wrong—I just challenge all of us to beware of whether or not we’re asking from a glass half-empty or glass half-full perspective.
Here’s a final image to illustrate my point. It appears as though Joe Mauer has decided to retire from baseball after a long and successful career as a Minnesota Twin. I picture Joe at the park someday playing with his girls and someone coming over to him and saying “It’s just too bad you never won the World Series.” Has Joe likely lamented never winning the World Series? Yes. Does he need this random person reminding him? No. To gloss over a career filled with achievements such as MVP and Golden Glove awards to focus on the one accolade he didn’t receive would be an insult. Just as it is insulting to gloss over the one beautiful child, and full life, someone has to focus on the children they don’t have.
Every child is a blessing.
