One in four, I am sure anyone who has had a miscarriage knows that daunting fact. One in four women have experienced the loss of a miscarriage. I am now in a new statistic; one in a hundred, and anyone who has had three miscarriages knows that devastating fact.
These facts seem to make miscarriages seem fairly common, but no one really talks about it. After my first miscarriage I brought it up to friends, family, and coworkers and found that the statistic in my circle is even more common. I was sad for my friends and said “Im am sorry, I never knew.” The typical reply was, “I didn’t know how to talk about it.” Every miscarriage is different, the emotions are different. What I can say confidently is miscarriages are huge losses that comes with an unknown time frame of grieving.
TWINS!
My first miscarriage was with my daughter’s twin. When I first saw twin A and twin B at my ultrasound my reaction was inconsolable laughing and crying which lasted for about 10 minutes, so long that the technician had to stop the imaging for a moment so I could catch my breath. But after that, we noticed twin B was smaller that twin A. We went in for imaging weekly and, slowly, each week, we watched our little twin B pass away. That experience of slowly watching myself loose a child was confusing because I was also watching twin A thrive. When we lost twin B, we grieved our loss but with this miscarriage we were also filling our hearts with hope and happiness that we still had twin A. That twin is now Abigail, the happiest 1 year old girl I know.
A Spontaneous Pregnancy After 2 IVF Babies
When our daughter was 4 months old, we had a spontaneous pregnancy. We had gotten pregnant for the first time the old-fashioned way! (Both our children are IVF babies.) I peed on that little stick and literally walked away because I already knew it would be negative. I went on with my morning upstairs and when I had to walk back in the bathroom I glanced at it. My eyes have never opened so wide and filled with tears so fast. It said pregnant! What a whirlwind of emotions! I walked down our stairs shaking from excitement to share the good news with my husband.
I made my first OBGYN appointment, told a couple people in confidence, and it became the topic of conversation with my partner after our littles went to bed each night. Then at about 6.5 weeks, I looked down and saw red. My heart felt like it had broken in half, and just like when I found out I was pregnant I started shaking–not from excitement this time, but from pure emotional loss. At this point there wasn’t anything that could be done.
In the weeks that followed, I did my best to be happy for the two beautiful children I had, and also tried to find joy in the fact that we conceived a child naturally. While the loss this time was big, I was able to push through.
It Just Gets Harder
Less than four months later I was late again, and shocked! We made it to the first ultrasound which brought me some peace of mind. I got to hear my baby’s beautiful heartbeat; she was perfect. As you can imagine I started an album on my phone for third baby ideas, made a Pinterest board, wrote a list of baby items I just had to buy, and of course it was again the topic of our nightly discussions. We even let our daycare know.
I was feeling so good until I looked down and saw the familiar red of a miscarriage. Instantly the bargaining kicked in. Please no, I will do anything! I will give up coffee, I will eat better, I will do anything to keep this baby. I begged for her to be okay. For about 24 hours there wasn’t a lot of bleeding, but the next morning it amplified. It was clear I had lost the pregnancy.
Every time I went to the bathroom, it took everything for me to flush the toilet; was I flushing my precious baby away? I couldn’t get that feeling out of my head. Throughout the day the bleeding and cramping intensified. Later that day I did my normal turn and look, and I saw her, my baby and without any hesitation I scooped my hand in the toilet and grabbed her. I couldn’t flush her away, she was my baby. I closed the lid and sat down in my quiet bathroom alone with my baby. I sat there crying, wondering why I had lost her. I talked to her and told her I was sorry and that she was so loved, and we would always have a place for her in our hearts. I said goodbye.
Talking About It
This miscarriage, my third, was devastating for me. This loss was different than the others. I got out of bed only because the laughter of my two beautiful, healthy children downstairs gave me hope. I went on with my day because my family needed me. My support group was amazing. One of my best friends came over with flowers and sat and listened to me but also knew I needed to talk about something else. My husband just knew exactly what to do. Everyone was so compassionate, but I needed more. This loss was too much for me to handle on my own.
I see a counselor which I highly recommend to anyone who experiences any loss. For me, I needed to talk to a professional after three miscarriages, but it’s okay to need any time during your journey. Grief is a real pain and sometimes even with the best support system you need more. It’s okay to talk about miscarriages because they happen, and they happen to a lot of us: one in four to be exact. You are not alone in the world, miscarriage mamas. Whether you are one in four or one in a hundred, miscarriage is a loss, and is more than one woman can take on alone. Let’s talk about it together.
