In three months… in three weeks… now we are down to counting only three days. You hold up your hand in an OK sign to show me how many fingers are left until your new sister comes into the world. You seem happy and excited for what’s coming–to the best of what you can comprehend. Likewise, I am both happy and excited. I’m also scared and worried, which you may also feel; both of us finding it hard to articulate. It seems like a silly worry, but I worry about having enough of myself to share. How am I going to give you all the love and attention that you have been given for so long, with another baby to care for? Other parents tell me not to worry, that love multiplies when a new baby comes into your life. Your Dad told me we’re just going to get more tired.
You’re four now and completely obsessed with the movie Shrek. You spend you days imagining that you are slaying dragons and saving people. You talk incessantly about, “true love’s first kiss.” I love your father very, very much, but I did not know complete and utter unconditional true love until you were born. I have come to realize that the big wet kisses that you give me, even the ones that I have to wipe away when you aren’t looking because they are so juicy, are exactly that from you: true love’s first kiss.
As you get older we will tell you the story, over and over again, about how I thought I would never be a mom –that you are truly a miracle, hoped and prayed for, but never dreamed could be. (Your sister will be the same.) I am so lucky to be your mommy. As we navigate this new road, and new addition to the family, I want you to know how much I will always love you. You are the boy who made me a mom. It has been a roller coaster, but I would do it all over again without a second thought. You are excited to be a big brother and I am excited for you.
There is a storybook that we often read to you called, On the Night You Were Born, that contains the following quote,
And the night wind whispered, life will never be the same.”
Your dad and I have been referring to this quote a lot when we think about what life is going to be like with a new baby. I’m not sure what it will be like, but I do know, tonight, as I tuck you into bed, I’m going to squeeze you a little harder. I’m going to sing an extra song and I am going to join you as we say our night prayers, praying a prayer of complete gratitude for you, and for what we, as a family, are about to receive.
I love you.