Back in February, before we started isolating, my oldest child, my middle child, and myself were sitting in the waiting room at a medical appointment. My son started holding up his hands like he was taking a picture. He was looking at a woman across the room. Like he was fitting her into a frame. She and I met eyes and looked back at my son. I asked Gus what he was doing and he said some of the most mortifying words he could have in the moment, “Mommy, she’s wide.” The look on the woman’s face crushed me. I asked Gus to come over to me and he could tell he had done something wrong. He repeated, “But mommy, she is wide.”
Gus is 6 years old. At his age, children are expected to be able to understand basic social expectations, or “hidden rules” as our amazing speech therapist calls them. It’s expected that children not comment on other people’s body type, or clothes, or visible disabilities. Gus has Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1 (previously High Functioning Autism, or ASD). He doesn’t understand most “hidden rules” of society. On this particular day, that showed as him very clearing trying to understand why this woman’s body was different than others. Not right, or wrong, just different. However, it also came out in a way that was unacceptable in our society.
As a parent, the struggle becomes how do I handle this? How do I teach him that it is not polite to make comments about other people’s bodies in a way that he will understand? Do I explain to this woman the struggles Gus has? Do I let it go because she looks as embarrassed as I feel, and probably more so?
Autism Spectrum Disorder is just that. A spectrum. No two children with ASD are alike. Our son has an alphabet soup of diagnoses that have made a home in our “normal” daily life. Language Formulation Disorder with Aspects of Cluttering, Articulation Disorder, Expressive Speech Delay, Sensory Processing/Integration Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Severe Anxiety, Sleep Disturbances, Apraxia, ADHD. But the big one, ASD Level 1, is an umbrella for all of the above. Gus struggles daily with sensory overload, anxiety, and impulse control as well as his spoken word.
He has a very hard time expressing his thoughts, wants, and needs. He knows in his head all of these things, but has a very hard time forming the words to tell us what he needs. Which can lead to more behavior problems as well as more anxiety. Years of therapy, (Occupational therapy and speech therapy) with some amazing therapists, have helped Gus learn ways to self-soothe, calm his body, and taught us ways to identify behavioral issues earlier to avoid meltdowns.
This recent explosion of expressive skills has thrown me for a loop. I was blindsided by the “she’s wide” comment. I also knew we had to address it right then and there and in as concrete a way as possible. I asked Gus to come talk to me. He was able to read my non-verbal language to know I wasn’t happy but didn’t understand what he did wrong. I said, “Gus, we do not talk about other people’s bodies. It is unkind and hurtful. Our family is kind. You owe her an apology.” Then I walked him back to where this woman was, at the clinic desk behind a door, and Gus proceeded to apologize. I explained that he has autism and does not have a filter, but that we are working on it. She smiled at us, thanked him for his apology, and went about her day.
At the end of the day, parenting any child is hard. There are things they will say and do that will be uncomfortable. The way we handle the awkward moments–the ones that make us uncomfortable–and the way that we teach our children to handle these moments, will mold who they become as adults. My goal is to raise children who are kind, accepting, recognize their mistakes, make apologies, and take the steps to correct them.
