What I Wish I Had Known

I wish I had known that memories from the twins’ infancy and toddlerhood wouldn’t stick in my memory bank. Maybe I could have prepared for it somehow, like really tried to soak in all the moments from when they were tiny. Had I realized that would happen, I would have taken far more pictures and videos when they were babies. I would also have put myself into more pictures with them and not given one hoot about how I looked.

I genuinely didn’t realize that massive chunks of time would seem to vanish into thin air, like the weekend trip we took with friends to a cabin when the twins were four months old. I simply don’t remember it, and this wasn’t the work of any mind-altering substances either, scout’s honor! It was just twin-nesia, which is a bit like amnesia but brought on by parenting two small children at once. I’m assuming (hoping) that singleton moms suffer from something similar, too! 

I wish I had known that kids really do grow as quickly as everyone says they do. Just one second ago they were swaddled like tiny burritos in my arms and now I struggle to even lift them both at the same time. If I could go back I would be better about documenting their growth. Even though we did the obligatory weekly photos next to a teddy, I wish I could remember what their weight felt like in my arms, or laying on my chest, or sitting in my lap.

I wish I had known that, in some ways, those early days and years would be, if not easier, then comparable to times during the young school age. I definitely get more sleep now, but almost five-year-olds can be mean and defiant and I totally wasn’t expecting it. Today I argued with Frank about whether the word volleyball started with the letter ‘b’. He was so wrong, yet so vehemently sure that he was right that it was downright infuriating. I eventually gave in. Then when I suggested that we go for a nice little bike ride, he said that I always have the worst ideas ever. I found it hard not to smirk at that which only managed to further fuel his rage, “I only want to stay home forever!” he shouted. Needless to say we didn’t make it outside this afternoon.  

I kept telling myself that once we got to age 5, life would be so much easier. I thought we’d just be coasting along happily in our parenting journey at this stage. I wish I had known that basically any request, such as please go put your shoes on, please put your backpack away, etc, will need to be repeated a minimum of 10 times and will usually be met with obstinance.

We’ve always set limits and followed through on consequences (not 100% perfectly, of course) but enough that I thought that the hard work would pay off and we’d have happy little kids who follow the rules and do what they’re asked, but we don’t. It’s a little disheartening to learn that you have to continue the hard work day in and day out for what, like, forever? 

Maybe we’ll see the fruits of our labor one day, but today is not that day.

Today I may pull my hair out because their first instinct when they disagree is to physically wallop each other even though I’ve been a broken record their entire lives by saying, “We don’t hit, hitting hurts, we only give gentle touches.” Today I might cry because once again my simple request, with coinciding reasonable explanation, for them to stop doing the activity they’re currently doing is completely ignored. Sometimes I turn to my husband, Julian, and ask him whether my voice is actually projecting because the twins are so good at ignoring me that I wonder whether I’m actually making any sounds at all. Maybe we’re in a phase is something I like to say to myself when this job feels especially difficult.

While I mourn a little bit that mothering (almost) 5 year-olds is more difficult than I thought it would be, I won’t let it get me down. I’ll just keep showing up, hopefully with a healthy dose of patience and calm, and document everything so I can remember this in the future because I’m a little worried these moments will slip through my fingers as well. And I definitely still want to remember even though the moments aren’t all rosy.

There is an upside to this stage, like when I’m “the best mommy ever” (rare and usually when I let them have a treat) and when the twins regale me with facts about arctic foxes and emperor penguins that they’ve learned in school. The conversations you get to have with them when they feel like chatting is a huge highlight to the 5 year-old phase. I could just stare at them and listen for ages while they animatedly recount how they played ‘moms and dads’ on the playground and who was each character or even, and this is a little less interesting, but I still listen, a play-by-play of what happened on the most recent episode of Wild Kratts. The details that they can remember are remarkable.

The Takeaway

Mothering might not ever get easier. What is difficult now will become easier and new challenges will continue to crop up. I have a distinct feeling that my little people have little problems that are easy to solve, and as they get bigger the issues we face will become harder to navigate. So while I wish I had known it would feel like a constant struggle to accomplish even the simplest of tasks, I’ll remember that this too will pass, and I’ll enjoy their little baby faces and adorably animated storytelling and epic bear hugs for as long as I possibly can.