How to Talk About Death and Dying with Children

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How to Talk About Death and Dying with Children | Duluth Moms Blog

My husband and I found out on our first date that we are both the children of funeral directors named Frank. We looked at each other with a surprised “are you serious?” sort of look, and then laughed and laughed. It is such a funny and unusual coincidence. We both felt, and still feel, that it was really nice to meet someone who has spent their lives around death and dying, and who understands and thinks about it in a similar way. Death is very sad and it is a part of life. 

This past week my husband’s beloved aunt died from cancer. She lived a long, beautiful life and we’ve been lucky to spend a lot of time with her. We would always make a point to see her on our family trips to Ireland, and now that we live here, we’ve been able to see her almost weekly. She would drop in for tea after her weekly hair appointment and the twins greeted her like the Queen Mother, climbing in her lap, regaling her with stories about preschool and hugging her endlessly. Her death is our twin’s first experience losing someone close to them. 

We deliberated about it extensively and ultimately we brought the kids to the funeral mass at the church and to the graveyard for the burial. We did this for two reasons: partly because we thought it would be good for them to be involved in the ritual, and that it might help them understand where our beloved Auntie M has gone. But also, partly because we didn’t have childcare as all of our babysitters right now are family members who would be at the funeral as well. We worried whether they would be able to sit quietly, especially our active little guy, but we prepared them for what to expect as much as we could, we had an exit plan prepared if needed, and we hoped for the best.

The mass started at 12pm and lasted about an hour. Because it fell right during their usual lunch time we decided to pack them each a lunch to eat during the mass. They literally sat in the church pew munching on peanut butter sandwiches and raisins and a snack bar. I felt self-conscious about it because I really thought it probably wasn’t appropriate, but good things happened because of it. I was able to listen to most of the mass and be present and enjoy the celebration of Auntie M’s life, and it gave everyone a great laugh! We heard over and over again that the sight of our kids stuffing their faces (quietly) and sitting still made all the family around us chuckle with delight. 

My husband acted as one of the pallbearers to place the casket into the back of the hearse to be transported to the graveyard for burial, and our son (also named Frank!) ran from my side so he could also help carry the casket. He walked underneath the casket with his arms lifted in the air and hands just barely reaching the bottom of the casket. <Insert many jokes about his future as a funeral director here>. I was worried that people would find this offensive, however it was the complete opposite. His action put such a smile on the faces of the funeral goers. It lifted everyone’s spirits and lightened the mood at a particularly sad moment. Best of all, what everyone keeps repeating, is that M would have loved that story. 

How to Talk About Death and Dying with Children | Duluth Moms Blog

I’m glad the children attended the service with us. Their presence brightened and added laughter to what was a very sad day. We’ll debrief about the funeral with the kids over the next several days to gauge how they are feeling and to help them create positive memories of the event. What we want them to understand, is that death and dying is inevitable, but that we always get to keep the memories and love for the deceased person with us. 

Tips for how to talk to children about death and dying:

-Use the words “dead” or “has died” rather than euphemisms such as “passed away” “gone to heaven” “didn’t make it” or “was called home.” It can be uncomfortable to use those words, however phrases that don’t explicitly state what has happened are confusing for children. 

-Really break it down for children and explain that dying means that the body has completely stopped working. The person no longer needs air to breathe, they feel no pain, and they don’t need food or water any longer. 

-It’s okay to let your child see you get emotional and cry because of the death of a loved one. It helps them learn that crying is an appropriate way to express emotions. If they are attending the funeral service, let them know that other adults will likely be crying as well.

-As the parent, you will know whether your child(ren) is/are ready to be a part of the funeral rituals. If you think they are, prepare them ahead of time for what to expect every step of the way. Let them know where the funeral will be and who they will see there. Let them know what will be expected of them throughout the service. 

-Allow the child to grieve as long as they need to. There is no stopwatch on bereavement – and that goes for adults too! It’s okay to seek out additional support in the form of a counselor or therapist if needed if you have concerns about their grieving process. 

How to Talk About Death and Dying with Children | Duluth Moms Blog

-Share memories, even humorous memories, of the person who has died. While parents may worry that this will only cause pain and sadness, it actually helps with the grieving process. 

-Explain that the person who has died will no longer attend family gatherings or holiday get togethers. 

-Be prepared for the children to bring up the death at random times and try to be open about that. Talking about it helps children process the experience, however it can be a little jarring when you’re checking out at the grocery store and your child tells the cashier, “Aunty M is buried under the flowers, but her soul is in heaven.” (This is our belief, but yours may be different).