Have you had one of those days (or even weeks) where it feels like you’re constantly being touched by a least one of your children? I have. I’m either carrying one on my hip, or one of them plops themselves in my lap the moment I sit down, or sometimes they’re pulling on my limbs to get my attention while I’m trying to prepare dinner. By the end of the day I often feel “touched out” and I long for a bit of personal space. I sometimes feel the urge to just push their little bodies away from me for a bit of space. But if I do, their little faces fall with disappointment and I instantly regret it.
What Personal Space?
This behavior is new for us, and I started to feel myself getting easily frustrated with my kids for needing to touch me. Not only have they wanted to be physically close to me, but they have also been demanding help for lots of tasks that they’ve previously done themselves. They are suddenly asking for help to to go the bathroom and for help with getting dressed in the morning, and they need help with cleaning up their toys and putting on their jackets and shoes before we leave the house.
On a whim I googled “clingy behavior in preschoolers.” In the past, any time I’ve noticed a behavior change in my kids I’ve done a little research to try to find an explanation for the change. I find that if I can understand why they are doing something, it becomes easier to manage the behavior and it helps me keep my frustration in check. My search immediately revealed the source of this needy and clingy behavior and it was one of the biggest face palm moments of parenthood for me thus far.
Comfort During Transition
You see, we just made an international move and we’re all adjusting to a new lifestyle in a new country and a new family dynamic. Overall, the kids have done a fantastic job. They started preschool in a gaelscoil (Irish immersion school) four days after we arrived in Ireland and they love it. I just think that somewhere between transitioning to a new time zone and a new house, and starting school for the first time (which is taught in a different language, no less!) where they’ve had to make new friends; add to that adjusting to a different accent and trying to figure out the local vernacular, they started to feel a little out of control. Cue the needy and clingy behavior.
I learned from my research that it’s really common for kids to go through periods of clinginess and it can be a sign of a healthy attachment between parent and child. That’s cool, I had no idea. Also, a clingy and needy phase is most likely to happen in periods of transition (after a trip, following an illness, having a change in childcare or change in work situation, etc). Kids may need extra physical contact to feel safe and secure again.
Acknowledging the Need
Figuring this out has helped the situation a ton. So now, when they’re hanging on my leg or asking for help with a task they can easily do on their own, I simply ask whether their touch tank needs filling. We chose the metaphor “touch tank” because it was an easy concept for them to understand. Their clingy and needy behavior is telling me that they’re looking for physical contact in the form of a hug or a cuddle to “fill them up” with love and make them feel safe and secure in that moment. If their tank does need filling, I wrap them up in a big warm hug and I focus my attention on only them for a minute or two. Sometimes we end up wrestling which makes us all giggle.
I’m relieved that the solution was so simple and even more relieved that this is a only a phase in response to our move. I have confidence that they will become more independent again. For now you’ll find me with two preschoolers permanently attached to my body.
Great article Kristina! We miss you all!!!
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