Before Minnesota received our stay-at-home orders, I went to coffee with a colleague of mine who wanted insight into advancing her career. In order to do this, she will need to go back to school. This is a cause for concern because she has stayed home more than she has worked since giving birth to her three children. Her biggest question on that morning over coffee? How does a working mother balance her career dreams with raising her children?
While I am not an expert on this issue, I have experienced this pressure myself while pursuing my dream job. This recent conversation brought me back to the anxiety I felt seven years past when I was making the same decision. Many questions that I had then seemed so hard to answer: Am I being selfish? Is this the right time for me? For my family? Will my children be well cared for? What kind of stress will this put on my family?
Is it Possible to Juggle Work and Motherhood?
As mothers, we all have a job, and that job is to grow our children into the best human beings possible. But I know that many mothers have also spent years working hard to build a career outside the home, too. In fact, my profession is primarily populated by women and many of them are mothers just like me. I went to college to obtain a degree so that I could get a “good job” as my father would say.
But, as women, I truly feel we have a greater challenge when it comes to making choices about our career and children. This especially comes into play when we love what we do for our career. I’m a natural caretaker and went into the healthcare field for this reason. I love that I get to take care of others day in and day out. My career brings me satisfaction and joy.
While public work sector has taken some strides in supporting working mothers (though perhaps not enough), I know that I have let some of the pressures of what a mother’s role should be infiltrate my daily worries. I want to be the best mother and give everything I can to my children so that they can succeed and feel loved. In addition to this, I want the world to see that I can make this happen while I continue to work outside of the home. Herein lies my greatest challenge. I am constantly evaluating myself to determine if I am doing a good enough job in the eyes of society.
A Legacy of Workplace Inequity
Could it be my own mother’s continuous worries playing into mine any time my children get sick? She used to fret about me losing my job because I was staying home. Yes, I think that’s a big one. My mother worked in the 1970s until she had my sister and, at that time, she faced many unequal rights for women in the workplace.
Now, she tries to protect me with her worries while not fully understanding that times have changed… somewhat. I use the word somewhat, because I have felt pressure from work in the past; my supervisor would be frustrated with me any time I called in with sick child. One time this person had the gall to say, “I can’t believe your child is sick, there are no illnesses going around.” Say what?! These sorts of discrimination are still happening, even if there are policies in place to prevent them. It very much influences the ways in which I judge myself in terms of work/mom balance.
After I quit the job with the rude supervisor, I took a job in the school system which allowed me to work in the same school and have the same breaks as my children. While having summers off sounds heavenly, this was not a plan I was particularly interested in from a career standpoint. I did for the sake of my children, and whatever reservations I had, in the end, I came to love the job. The school-based setting not only allowed me the flexibility I needed to be with my children as much as possible, it also provided me with the mental challenges that I needed to feel fulfilled. It also led me to explore options for advancing my career.
While on the job, about seven years past, it became clear that I needed to advance my degree in order to stay current in my field of practice and to thoroughly advocate for my profession in the school-based setting. That was when the anxiety regarding going back to school came to me. And this is when I began to question myself again.
Time to Redistribute Responsibilities
The first step I took was research the best school to meet my needs as a working mother. Next, I sat down with my husband who helped me develop a plan. We determined that there needed to be a shift in our partnership. I was the primary caregiver for the children and we made the decision to shift 50% of my responsibility to him. This meant that he needed to take on more routines at home and begin to set up and take the children to appointments. I would continue to plan and prepare meals and in turn he would take over the laundry.
Together we opted to hire a housekeeper to decrease the stress and time housecleaning would take away from the precious time we had as a family. We sat the children down, at that time my daughter was 12 and my son was 8, for a family meeting. During this meeting we discussed the changes that they would soon see with mommy going back to school and what they should expect. Not only did we tell them daddy would be more involved, but they were expected to help more around the home and in preparing themselves for school.
I’m am happy to say that I completed my doctorate in 2015 and have moved on to a position in academia (my dream career!). My children survived and we found a new routine to live by in our family. While there were times during my coursework that I was not available for my children, my husband was there, which I believe enhanced my children’s relationship with their dad. Not once did I neglect my children, instead I had to be much more precise in my planning of how we spent time together. While working on my capstone eight hours a day for two months during the summer of my final semester, my breaks were spent exploring nature with my children.
7 Truths About the Work/Mom Balance
Now that I am working in my dream job, the stress and balance is the same as what I experienced while working on my doctorate. My husband and I have maintained the same routines we developed and continuously evaluate what is working and what isn’t. My first two years in academia, I worked 10-12-hour days, 6-7 days a week. If my husband and my family had not had the plan we did, we would not have made it through those first couple of years. I am thankful that I now work a more reasonable timeframe during the week (about 9 hours a day), and a few hours on the weekend.
One routine that has never changed for us is family dinner. Throughout my doctorate and the challenging times in my job, we have made every effort to have family dinner each evening. This is a time to connect and attend to each family members needs. Below I have listed additional lessons learned during the past 7 years.
1. I took on too much of the caregiving and childrearing. When both parents need to work (and this is the case for my family), it is necessary to shift some of the responsibility to the other parent.
2. My children have greatly benefitted from the additional time they have spent with their dad. This is time that I don’t think they would have had if I wouldn’t have gone back to school and advanced my career.
3. I learned that I could still be a good mother, advance my degree, and follow my career dreams. My children are alive and well. They did not suffer any unfortunate consequences or regression when I went back to school or now that I am in a demanding career. I still make time for them because that is my number one goal.
4. My children have developed a sense of independence that I don’t think they would have developed had I continued to take on 100% of the childrearing. When I was at my busiest, I encouraged my children to go out and play with their neighborhood friends. This allowed them the freedom and the opportunity to learn to balance their own schedule and be responsible with following house rules. In addition, they learned that they were important members of the family who contributed to smooth functioning daily. To this day, their jobs are to take care of their rooms, put away their own laundry, and take care of the garbage and recycling. (There are more, but these are their set routines)
5. I learned that there is never a right or wrong time to make a change in your career or your family’s life. What I learned is good communication and planning are key. While working on my doctorate, I made sure I was clear in all my communication with my husband and kids. Of course, there were times where we slipped up, but that reinforced us to do better the next time.
6. I learned that it is important to develop a partnership with your spouse. As mentioned earlier, the responsibility was not clearly delineated in our household. My husband and I value each other more now for our roles within our family. We know that we need to work together in order to keep our ship sailing. In addition, my husband stated that he was not going to turn the laundry back over to me because he liked doing it his way better. Great! Win, win!
7. My children are proud of me. Many times, they have shared with friends or loved ones “Do you know my mom is a doctor?” It’s not the bragging that pleases me, but instead I see myself as their role model. I want them to know that anyone can get a doctorate or the career that they want. I show my children the passion and motivation that I have for my profession. I believe this modeling will lead them to their own success one day. After all, that is my job isn’t? To grow my children into the best human beings possible?
We all have our own path in life. Follow your heart and do what is best for you. While this is my story, this may not be yours. My hope is that you find some insight if you are struggling with the balance between mommyhood and your career. Please don’t hesitate to connect and share your own experience. The more we talk about this balance, the easier it will be to make the changes that are right for you.
