Duluth is no stranger to shift work. Our community boasts huge medical facilities, industrial plants, the railroad, the port, transportation, and first responders among others. Our area is buzzing with activity 24 hours a day.
I’m a night shift wife.
I know I’m not alone; odds are, you know another shift work wife living with an evolving schedule.
This evolving schedule is not for the faint of heart. Our society is accustomed to a standard Monday through Friday 8-5pm work week; anything outside those norms can present a number of challenges. My husband has worked crazy shifts for seven years, and currently his schedule is nearly opposite mine.
For the most part, it’s all about adaptability. Seven years in and I feel like I can provide some fellow shift work / night shift wives some perspective about how to best manage this crazy schedule. Here are my 9 tips for a shift work wife:
Plan your mornings
Our days are compartmentalized by segments of time: morning, nap time, afternoon/Hubby wakes, and bed time. Since all kids are equipped with an internal alarm clock for 6:00 am sharp, mornings often feel like the longest part of the day. I’ve learned that by planning our mornings in advance, I can successfully fly solo by keeping week day mornings organized and staying busy on weekend mornings.
Weekends: When my husband is working or sleeping on weekend mornings, I’ve learned we must keep busy. We take our time with breakfast and getting ready, usually playing, reading and watching some TV. By 9:30 we need a scenery change. Play outside, head to a family-friendly activity (most open at 10am), run errands. By the time our activity is complete, kiddos are ready for lunch, the little one is heading to nap, and I can focus on spending one-on-one time with my 4-year-old before my partner wakes for the day.
**Pro Tip: Do not be tempted by morning TV to keep your kids entertained while you run around like a crazy person. It sounds counter-intuitive, but in our home the 4 year old LOOSES HIS MIND every morning when we turn the TV off to head to daycare. Every. Time. Avoid the meltdowns all together by removing TV if you have a similarly screen-sensitive kiddo.**
Week Day: Routine, routine, routine. Maintaining a constant routine is critical for our function on week day mornings. Since I’m outnumbered 4:1 (two kids, two dogs), mornings where my husband is unavailable to help can easily drive anyone to the looney bin. Prep your coffee pot the evening before. Master the multitasking opportunities: Have a quick fetch session while kids are still sleeping. Dry your hair while kids are eating breakfast. I can ask my 4 year old to help our 1.5 year old put on her shoes. Accept that the coffee mug will travel the house with you, don’t be ashamed. And some days it’s okay to leave the kitchen a mess.
Quality dinner time (or any meal time)
Shift work has the ability to steal quality time from your family. No matter the time of day, meal time is a perfect opportunity to refocus your family on only each other, even for a brief period. Some mornings we have a quality breakfast. Some evenings we eat dinner by 4:30 to accommodate my husband’s work schedule. Be adaptable. By choosing to plan meals around a crazy shift-work schedule, your children will grow up appreciating the family table and feeling connected to the whole family.
Enjoy your evenings alone
I spend more nights alone than I do with my husband and I’m okay with it. I’ve truly come to enjoy it almost as much as I love when he’s home. Some of my most favorite moments of the day are after the kids are in bed on evenings hubby is working. Why, you ask? Bubble bath. Wine. Guilty pleasure television. Romance novels. Early bed time. Nail polish. Ice cream (no sharing!). All of the above, if you so please. There’s no shame in my game. Take advantage and focus on yourself. You deserve it.
Ask for help when you need it
Why is asking for help so difficult? We always want to be viewed as capable, independent, hardworking. But, maintaining a schedule different from your husband is stressful on families and can easily build resentment. Ask for help. There is a whole village surrounding you, mama, that will step in at any moment you feel overwhelmed. I’ve also learned that it’s okay to ask my husband to help in different capacities he may not recognize as areas of struggle. That could be escaping for an evening with my girlfriends. Some days it’s asking him to pick up the kids from daycare; other days it’s asking him to run an errand for me. Communicating your needs with both your husband and the village surrounding you will keep you afloat.
Go on week days dates
The greatest thing about a shift work schedule are week days off. I know, I know, YOU might not have the day off, but you do take breaks. Go on a lunch date! No babysitter needed while kiddos are already in daycare or school. On a budget? Take a walk with your hubby or pack a bag lunch. Seriously, try it. Taking time from your work day to have a date with your husband will brighten your week and feel like stolen time.
Take advantage of daddy-kid days
Another bonus to having week days off is the ability to schedule some quality time for daddy and kids. My husband takes the kids out of daycare at least once per week to spend a full alone day with them. It’s not often an extravagant day, but just a nice day at home with only Daddy. Our kids are always more connected with him after these days since they often miss him on weekends.
Take advantage of daddy-alone days
Imagine the luxury of staying at home alone for the day while kids are at daycare or in school. Oh, the places you’d go! Give Hubby the opportunity to enjoy this for himself, too. He could work on that nagging house project. He could watch TV all day. Whatever he does, he’ll feel recharged and ready to step in when chaos hits again.
Be intentional
The best advice I’ve ever been given about maintaining healthy relationships is to be intentional about your time. No matter the circumstance of you spending time with your spouse – be it laundry, a school conference, doctor appointment, or watching TV – you have the opportunity to use that moment to make it quality time together. Start a deep conversation. Hold hands. Smooch. Make each other laugh. Shift work takes away extra time but it doesn’t have to take away your connection.
Give yourself grace
It’s okay to give your kids cereal for dinner.
It’s okay to leave the dishes in the sink.
It’s okay if your kids haven’t bathed in four days.
It’s okay to have hard days. It’s okay to have good days.
You don’t have to do it all yourself. Take care of yourself once the kids go to bed. And most of all, give yourself the grace to let the little things go when you’ve had too much.
Telling someone that my husband works nights often receives a sympathetic “Aw, that must be so hard.” To be honest, I actually love it. (Whether my husband does or not is another story.)
Correction: NOW I love it. I absolutely did not for a long time.
Accepting the nights alone did come easy. Together, our family has wandered down a road of trial and error. If you are struggling in a shift work household, I hope even one of the above tips can help ease the adjustment for your family.
