To Run or Not to Run: That’s the Question

Sometimes in life it’s much easier to run, than not to run. Especially for anyone who loves running! Running is essentially the greatest metaphor for life. When life gets hard, all we want to do is “run like the wind” through that phase of our life. But often times, it’s slow and it feels as if we are crawling.

As I write this, the 43rd Grandma’s Marathon race is just finishing up. Many of my friends at Fit4Mom ran the half marathon, and I am so proud of the work they put in to run and finish the race. Some of them finished with a personal record. The race day weather was such a gift. The whole week meteorologists on all local stations were predicting rain and potential thunderstorms, but it turned out perfectly. There were light variable winds (a tailwind!), it was just about 50 degrees, and the sun was out in all its glory. Ideal for runners and spectators alike.

I Didn’t Run

I was at home watching it live on TV via the WDIO app with my four-year-old daughter Clara — almost in tears struggling with so many different emotions. Pure joy for all my friends, but also a little envy that they were out there running and accomplishing something so amazing, and I wasn’t. Why didn’t I sign up? Why am I not running this race? I am more than capable of running 13.1 miles, I’ve run four half marathons already… why not this year? This is now my third year in a row missing out on the race!

Although I did complete Whistlestop Marathon two years ago, which is another amazing course for local Duluth runners. Then last year, I ran a Ragnar Relay race in Michigan with my best friend who lives in Las Vegas. Each of us on the 12-person team run three legs (or distances in the race), across a total distance of 200+ miles. I ran the longest leg of the race, a 9-mile hilly course that went in and out of the woods, small towns, as well as hugging the Lake Michigan coast for the last part of the leg. For completing this leg, I even received an extra medal! It was one of the most triumphant moments I’ve felt over the last ten years in my running career.

I Have Healing to Do

The reason for the hiatus from longer distance races this year is that I am recovering from sexual trauma, and I know this is my time to recover. Just over a year ago I was raped by my former coworker, and it’s been a horrendous journey recovering mentally and physically from this difficult life event. Other areas of my life are also changing and have felt unstable. We sold our house last summer and we’re now building a new home this summer in Esko (while we rent a home in Duluth). I know building a home is a blessing, but change is not always easy! My job is also changing a lot, in that my company is going through an acquisition (the second one I’ve been through) and I’ve had two bosses leave the company in the last six months. So yes, there is a lot of change happening around me.

During my trauma recovery, I have leaned on running and all things fitness to aid in my healing. Especially during the first few months this past spring, I relied on kickboxing to help me push through anger. Yoga has helped me feel at peace again. Running has helped me realize my inner and outer strength. I recall running one day this past spring in Esko, yelling to no one in particular that I forgive the predator who took so much from me. That coward stole the joy from my life and my family for too long. In that moment, I felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders as I finished up my run back home.

Finding My Own Pace

Today, amidst the daily realization that I am still recovering and healing, I am grateful for this amazing body than can run, box, bike, swim, and more. I am alive and well, and am grateful for this simple fact. I also don’t need to run Grandma’s Marathon to feel accomplished right now. I know I’m an amazing momma warrior that is going through a difficult chapter in life, and have already overcome great hurdles in this past year and a half. This event in my life is no longer a burden, but a foundation of strength I will forever be able to rely on. I will remember that nevertheless I persisted and remained resilient in my healing. Even when I felt like running past this chapter in my life, (wanting so much to ignore my emotions and remain sad, anxious or depressed) I slowed to a walk and sometimes a crawl, acknowledging my feelings, going to therapy and worked through them. I cling to the fact today that I am stronger because of this. I am stronger because I chose not to run.  

If you know of anyone who has experienced sexual violence and live in the Twin Ports area, the Duluth-based non-profit Program for Aid to Victims of Sexual Assault, or PAVSA, has been an integral part of my recovery. Please visit their website for resources on how to support their efforts, help survivors like myself or to find resources if you’ve experienced sexual violence. Finally, if anyone comes to you with their personal story of sexual violence, your first step is to believe them. By simply believing survivors and hearing their story, you are helping in their long road to healing and recovery.