Birds and Bees? More Like Hawks and Hornets: Having The Talk

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Birds and Bees? More Like Hawks and Hornets: Having The Talk | Duluth Moms Blog

I have four kids and I remember being so scared to have The Talk with them. I’m not sure why because my parents were never awkward about it with me. They gave me factual information and always told me if I had more questions, I was welcome to ask them. When I dated my first high school boyfriend, my mom said to me, “I don’t need to know but if you want me know, I’m okay with that, too. Until then, you’re going to the doctor this week for birth control.”

I went into the exam room by myself, I learned about my options and what it all meant, and I left with my first prescription. Did I use my prescription right away? No, I really didn’t, but knowing I had it would be there when I needed it made me feel a lot less stressed and anxious. I’m grateful my mom never made me feel ashamed about in one way or the other.

The Talk: Laying the Foundation

I didn’t have a big “talk” with my kids because I feel like it puts a lot of pressure and stress on me as a parent, and how weird for the kids, right? Suddenly your mom is in your room and talking about babies and you just really want to finish your math homework and text your friends. I really think if basic biology and sexuality isn’t strange or scary, we shouldn’t treat it as such. I didn’t use cutesy words or nicknames for human anatomy; the proper names are not vulgar. It is what it is, right?  I remember starting it when they were really little and we had the “good touch/bad touch” discussion. I told them it doesn’t matter where it is or who it is, if someone touches you and you don’t like it, tell them no and tell an adult.

Around age 9, we started to progress to conversations about where babies come from. They already knew some basics–babies grow in mom’s uterus–but they had never really asked follow-up questions. It was around this age though, that I casually brought it up after we had watched a documentary and my son wondered if his insides were different than his sisters’. We had a really good discussion about how bodies are different and how it all works and it wasn’t strange at all. It ended us with us Googling internal anatomy pictures because they wanted to see if I was messing with them!

Age 10 was puberty discussion. I talked about erections, periods, how your body changes. I wanted my daughter to not be grossed out or scared by mensuration so I just said, “If you ever see this- don’t freak out! Let me know and I’ll show you what to do, it’s not a big deal at all.” and my daughter isn’t fazed at all by it.

The goal was to make sure any changes they noticed didn’t worry or scare them. They knew it was coming, it happens, it is totally normal, they deal, and we move on.

Birds and Bees? More Like Hawks and Hornets: Having The Talk | Duluth Moms Blog

The Bigger Talk: Starting Early About the Hard Stuff

When my kids started middle school, I began talking to them about sex and consent. I know! Middle school kids having sex is enough to send you into cardiac arrest! I know exactly how you feel. I want you to know when I talk to my kids, inside my head I’m screaming, “Don’t you dare! You’ll be grounded for life and never leave your room! Don’t make me call Dr. Phil!” I’m not some Super Mom who doesn’t have irrational thoughts and never worries myself into an ulcer. I do both of those things.

BUT, I try to not let my worry or fear show, and I try to be the calm in the storm so they know whatever they tell me isn’t going to send me over the edge. I can take it, I can help them, I know exactly what I’m doing, I’m excelling at this parenting and adulating thing. (Spoiler: I don’t know what day it is, I can’t tell you when I showered last, and my kids haven’t had vegetables in two weeks–they are still alive.)

Do not let The Bigger Talk scare you. The talk itself is not scary. I almost always do talks while driving. I decide on a whim we’re going to Mall of America and I’ll only bring one kid, or my older kids, and sneak a talk in there. We always end up having a great discussion and then they tell me what friends told them, what friends are doing, and I don’t go all Mom on them. I’ll respond with, “Oh, no way! Then what happened?!” as if they are telling me the best story and it’s amazing how much a kid will spill without realizing it.

The Bigger Talk is all about sex. What it is, when people do it, why people do it, what could happen if you are not safe (babies and STDs), what to do if this is something you think you might want to do. The most important topic we touch on during our conversations?

Consent.

It is so important that girls and boys learn what consent is. Time Magazine ran a fascinating article about consent and how, as it turns out, kids don’t always know what rape is. They didn’t realize that a partner not explicitly saying, “I’m OK with what we are doing” is rape.

It made me realize that I had never even thought to tell my own kids that. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or not, consent is always needed. Arousal is not consent, and both girls and boys must be taught this.

After reading the article I had a good discussion with my kids about consent and it was clear neither one of them had really understood it. I extended it into any personal contact; if you aren’t 100% sure, you don’t do it. Ever. Never, ever, not even a little bit, kind of, sort of. Gray area means no, and anything less than a clear yes is a no. I was always told that if you feel embarrassed going to a store and buying condoms, or talking out loud about sex with your partner, then you aren’t mature enough to have sex.

I think back to all of the stories we hear in the news, which are horrifying and heartbreaking, but so much of it comes back to, “Man, what’s wrong with their parents?!” and blame comes back to us. Sure, you can’t fix the world or solve all of the problems by having frank discussions about sex, but it does make an impact. Also by having these conversations with your kids, you might hear of another child exhibiting dangerous behavior, and there’s a good chance their parents don’t know. I’m not saying you have to broadcast the light on your child as a tattletale, but there are ways to have that conversation with another parent so that you are giving them information and they can do what they see fit with it.

The saying “it takes a village” is no longer watching kids out your kitchen window saying bad words or riding bikes over the neighbor’s garden. It is social media activity, it’s drugs, alcohol, and vaping, its sexual activity, it’s bullying, and it’s so much more. None of it is fun, easy, or comfortable to talk about but we have to because we’re running this village now. We’re the adults who are in charge and believe me, I’m as freaked out about that as you are. But by being open with one another, and with our kids, we can lay a foundation for a brighter, healthier future.

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Sara Strand
Sara is a stay home mom (not a regular mom, a “cool” mom) of two teenagers and two elementary grade kids, who is always stressed out because one has their driver's license, one is a free spirit, one is fearless, and one is always in the clouds. In her “free time”, she is a book reviewer, dance mom, true crime podcast junkie, Dateline/Keith Morrison fan club devotee, and an Amniotic Fluid Embolism survivor. Always honest and sometimes funny, you can also find her at her blog, Stranded in Chaos (www.strandedinchaos.com), where she shares good (and not so good) books, tales from mom life, recovery and life after birth trauma, and livin’ la vida loca after 40ish.