Mother’s Day has been a day of reflection.
Last year I hid. Didn’t go to church, hung out with my husband and dog. I couldn’t do it.
This year is different. I am able to go and celebrate. But it’s been a wave of emotions. I’ve been thinking of our birth mother today. I’ll never claim to speak on her behalf, but I imagine we are on her minds. Adoption at best has grief and loss, but add complications and mess, it makes it painful. I realize she might be feeling those hard feelings the most today.
I’ve shed tears for her. I’ve also felt the loss of other adoptions pretty hard today too. The loss just feels fresher. Babies who didn’t come home, babies who didn’t come to our home. The years of longing. I’ve shed tears for them too. I was devastated last year, and respect the sacrifice made to change that.
I am not saying I am not feeling joy and blessing at being able to have a change of perspective and attitude this year- but with bitter hard trials, sweet things are sweeter. So I will take all of it. The giggles and kisses and messy diapers.
I had someone ask me what I wanted to do to commemorate this weekend. It was a little cliche, but I said I had all I wanted, and was satisfied. Next year, I’ll take a nap… maybe no diapers? No dishes??? We’ll see!
Today I think of those who want to be mommas. Where I was last year. I think of you too- and my heart yearns to encourage you, but I don’t know that words alone fix that. I hurt for those who have lost their babies (of any age). Who don’t have their own mommas today. There is much pain to be found. The Facebook videos that have been coming around that express all these different walks of life are so beautiful. I am glad it breaks some of the stigma and hush hush of loss and grief.
Today I reflect.
Tomorrow, I write the letter with the stories and print the photos. Painful, but necessary. Adoption is beautiful, but it is at its roots also broken. You can find the beauty with in the mess, but its a mess. Birth families that aren’t together. Not so great. But we do what we can to find family in the brokenness. There is great joy in seeing tiny smiles and toes and 2 am wake up calls.
All in all- I am actually glad to be experiencing all these emotions. I know, crying is super fun sometimes…
But I’m being serious. It has taken so long to be able to celebrate today, and I am so grateful. I know others sacrificed and lost, and I gain. I also know what it was like to be desperately wanting. So I cry for you too. When you walk through very hard times, you create a deepness of what is important, and what you value. Trivial things pass away for that season, and come back when you are stronger. If you are walking through that valley of trials now, I do encourage you one thing- you are stronger than you were yesterday. I certainly wont make any grandiose promises, but looking back, I see strength and people who helped me be strong. Looking back, I imagine that will be case for you too. Hang in there. We see your hurts sister, and we love you. We see you- who misses their own mom. All the other situations in between. They are all real. And I am thinking of you today with such love and tenderness in my heart. And hurt. I am sorry you’ve had trials and hardships. I sincerely do.
Happy Mother’s Day to those whose hearts it fits- and to those who can’t make this claim, I hope you are able to find the joy around you.
Alyssa, this is so deeply beautiful and well-written. You’ve put your trials and joys of motherhood into words that will echo through many hearts far and wide, for years to come. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for reading! It’s very kind of you to say. My goal is speak to those who maybe think their alone, but truly aren’t. Thank you!
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