The start of a new year is a great time to consider new goals for the year. Personally, I’ve set a few around fitness, relationships, and finances. In addition, I’ve also set a resolution regarding parenting. I aspire to honestly be able to say to my son “Do as I Say AND as I Do.” As much as I want to believe that I am calm, cool and collected most of the time, I know I’m not always. I lose my temper, say harsh things, and speak to him in tones I regret. I tell him things like “don’t freak out, buddy, it’s just fine” when he’s having an overly emotional response to something I deem ordinary. But, if I’m honest, the number of times that I freak out over nonsense situations in comparison to him is probably ten-to-one. Frankly, he could give me the lecture on remaining calm because he’s much better at it than I am.
I know there is no way to promise that I’ll never lose my patience. But I want to practice recognizing the triggers that make me lose my cool. For me, whenever I’m running late and rushing to leave the house, I know I respond in less than kind ways to my child. So, part of my resolution is to try to be as prepared as possible before we need to leave to hopefully remove extra stressors. I know I won’t always succeed, but it is a goal worth pursuing because when all is said and done, I don’t want to feel like a hypocrite. I never want to send the message to my child that he is being held to a standard that I don’t attempt to measure myself by. If I’m encouraging him to be patient and level-headed, I want to follow suit.
While I know it isn’t really possible to create resolutions for others, I have to be honest and say that I also have a resolution that I would love to see this community strive toward. You may or may not be surprised that we have a staff member here at the Duluth Moms Blog who monitors the site for inappropriate behavior, comments, etc. This community exists to be a place where we can share ideas, find support, learn, and build friendships. Because we are all coming from different places and experiences, disagreements and dissension are natural and we need to set a place for them at the table, so to speak. BUT, insults, finger pointing, name-calling–in essence, disrespect–are not what this community is about.
Why do I bring this up? I think we’ve all heard of the concept of Mommy Wars. As moms, we are often consoling and reminding our children that their friends/siblings/teachers may not think the same way they do and that IT’S OKAY. For example, I am sure many of us have said something to our child like “Well, that’s okay that Tommy doesn’t like to play Legos. How about you agree on something else to play?” We say this because:
a) we want our child to learn that s/he won’t always get his or her way;
b) this conflict doesn’t have to be the end of the world, or at least the end of a friendship; and
c) we want him or her to know that Tommy’s wishes and tastes are just as valid as his/hers.
As good moms, we say it’s okay that Tommy doesn’t like Legos and I really do believe we mean it. We don’t say “Tommy’s a terrible friend for not liking Legos” or “Tommy’s wrong for not liking Legos” or “You never have to play with Tommy again because he doesn’t like Legos.” We’re not telling our child that they have to agree with Tommy and stop liking Legos, we’re just saying that they don’t have to see eye-to-eye on this particular issue.
I would bet that if we’re honest with ourselves, we aren’t always consistent at following through with our own advice. Routinely, social media becomes a place where opinions and views are at best belittled and at worst attacked. Posts about pacifiers, breastfeeding, working vs SAHM moms–anything, really–becomes fair game for attack.
I get it. We’re tired, we’re emotional, we’re invested in our families, and we’re invested in how we do what we do. This is all well and good, but just as we remind our children that IT’S OKAY if their friends don’t agree with them on their favorite toy, I think we could collectively use a quick reminder why IT’S OKAY to disagree with other moms about issues from time-to-time and how to do it respectfully. The ability to “agree to disagree” is one of the most common expressions we have, yet, it is also one of the most difficult to live out.
So, my challenge for us this year, myself included, as it pertains to our community of moms would be the following:
1. Make sure we have all of the information. Did a blogger’s post or another mom’s comment rub you the wrong way? Perhaps you could ask for further clarification and more information on their perspective before becoming defensive or attacking.
2. Breathe and Take Some Time. My guess is that all of us have had experiences where we have made a snap judgement or response to something and then ultimately regretted what we’ve said. I can say from experience that taking a few breaths, walking away for a few minutes or perhaps even overnight, helps me to collect my thoughts and respond thoughtfully and not rashly.
3. Is this a fight worth picking? If there is one thing that getting divorced taught me, it’s that there will always be another fight and you can choose whether or not you need to engage in it. Perhaps you read something and you really disagree. Ask yourself if responding is the best use of your time and emotional energy. If not, congratulations: you’ve just chosen to agree to disagree. If you deem responding necessary, go back to Tip # 1 and make sure you have all of the information necessary before responding.
4. Repeat and re-repeat: Not Everyone Has to or Will Agree with Me. If there is anything I hope to convey with this post, it would be this: No one is ever going to agree with you 100% of the time, nor do we need to make it our mission to change people’s minds (translation: tell them they are wrong and that they should agree with you). Again, I think that, as moms, we are really good at teaching this concept to our kids but we sometimes forget it whenever we read a post that pushes our buttons. So, the next time you read a comment that irks you, know that your opinion and your disagreement of something expressed are totally valid. But your opinion is just as valid, not more not less, than the other mom expressing her opinion. Just because your views don’t match up doesn’t mean that her experience and opinion should be discounted or ridiculed. There is room for disagreement without dissing.
So, practically, what might this look like? Let’s say someone posts an opinion that “Duluth is a lousy city.” Naturally, as a native Duluthian, I would take offense to this comment and want to respond with guns blazing. Instead, I could probe a bit further, “can you tell me why you feel that way?” Let’s say she responds with “I grew up in LA and think that Duluth is too cold, too boring, and too small.” Well, now that I have a better understanding of her experience, I could say “I bet Duluth does feel a lot different than LA. I’m sorry you don’t enjoy living here but I think Duluth is great and I’m glad to live here.” The end. She is entitled to her opinion, which makes sense based on her experience, and so am I. Now, while I don’t see someone posting something too controversial about our city any time soon, there may be something you don’t agree with about baby-wearing. Or breastfeeding. Or cribs. Or essential oils. The Duluth Moms Blog community exists to foster conversation and offer helpful advice but at times, that might include something you disagree with.
We are all good moms. We all care, feel and believe deeply, as we should. Sometimes, though, I think we could benefit from the reminder to practice what we preach to our kids about agreeing to disagree.
