The Low Down on Snapchat

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The Low Down on Snapchat | Duluth Moms Blog

One of the hardest parenting obstacles right now is handling social media and your kids. Do you get them a cell phone? Do you allow them access to social media and online forums? Do you shelter them in your basement with your Sony Discman because it was good enough for us? It’s a struggle for sure. I have four kids but only two are old enough to put me in this predicament, my 13 year old daughter (seventh grade) and 10 year old son (fifth grade).

Most of their friends had phones long before they did so I’ve been hearing how uncool of a mom I am for years. I did reluctantly let my daughter get a phone as she started middle school because hadn’t yet established a precedent, and my son got my old phone for this past Christmas because I had no other gift idea and I’m lazy. My son isn’t big into wanting social media and hasn’t even asked me, but my daughter–she has asked to download Snapchat at least once a month for the last two years and I haven’t given in. Something about the inability to really monitor it bothers me and I suppose that’s the draw for kids, isn’t it?

Fortunately, I have several friends who are a couple years ahead of me in parenting so I’m able to ask questions and learn from their mistakes. In my opinion, it’s really the number one reason your mom group needs to be all over the place as far as age and experience; it comes in handy as your children grow to have people you can call on for advice and guidance. For a lot of my friends, the last few months of parenting have been stressful between fights at school, friend drama, boy drama, peer pressure, and of course, social media drama.

It reminded me that now is really good time to talk to my kids again about navigating this tween/teen time in their lives knowing that I can’t hold their hand the whole way; this is when they learn to make choices on their own. One of the things I’m holding firm on though is Snapchat. In the event your child has Snapchat and you’re OK with that, there are definitely things you and your child should know and talk about.

Ask any kid and they will tell you that Snapchat really can’t be monitored or supervised. Make sure Snap Map is set on “Ghost Mode” otherwise friends can pinpoint where they are at any given time. Which maybe doesn’t make you nervous because those are your kid’s friends, right? Except the thing about social media is that the more friends you have, the cooler you are. Teens compete amongst themselves on who has more friends so, despite your warnings, they will add people they don’t know. When your child isn’t on “Ghost Mode” all of those stranger “friends” can see where your child is at all times. Anyone can randomly friend your child, but your child does have the ability to block someone.

But let’s say you said no to Snapchat. Your child is going to be under a LOT of peer pressure to have it anyway. My daughter came to me in tears this fall telling me she had to have Snapchat because that’s how people make plans to get together and she never gets invited because she’s never in the loop. Obviously, this guts me because I don’t want her to be left out. Did you know your kid can download Snapchat and hide it under another app? My kids and I all have iPhones and my laziness in not getting them their own AppleID has turned out to be kind of genius. My husband and I never gave them the password (or email) so they can’t download anything without us knowing it. I have an alert sent to my phone when they want to download an app or music, and I have to approve or deny them. Is it annoying to hear my phone ding every day with app requests? YUP. Is there some peace of mind knowing that nothing goes onto their phone that I don’t know about? YUP.

If you allow Snapchat, fully confident that your kids will make good choices, there are some real and difficult conversation points to have with your children, and have them often.

The Low Down on Snapchat | Duluth Moms Blog

Think About Your Photos

  • Never, never, never send a nude photo of yourself to anyone. Don’t even send one with you in your cute underwear or bathing suit. Don’t send them to your friends, don’t send them to someone you have a crush on, don’t send them to anyone ever.
  • Boys who request a nude, or even a suggestive photo, are rude but they are also the boy next door. They are your friend from science class, the boy who shovels out people’s driveways to be kind, the Boy Scout selling you pancake breakfast tickets, the boy you sit next to in church–it could be anyone. If someone requests this kind of photo you have to tell your parent immediately. Kids don’t realize that even asking for this is breaking the law. Exchanging a photo, even your own photo, is child pornography.
  • You should know that the boy or girl you have a crush on asks you for this kind of photo are almost certainly sitting in a room full of their friends and they will likely show them. They will snap a photo or screen shot it and could have a copy to do what they please with forever.
  • In the event that someone keeps asking for this kind of photo, you can take a screen shot of their requests and report it; that’s harassment.
  • If you are with your friends and they want to ask someone for a nude (or suggestive) photo, it’s your job to stand up to them and tell them no. Let them know that not only is it harassment to ask for that, but it’s illegal because it’s child pornography and that is punishable by law.

Hard Facts and Truths

  • Kids are exposed to pornography earlier than past generations; it’s become a “norm” in today’s culture.
  • Even the strictest, most overprotective parents are falling short in these conversations. Many of my friends are amazing parents with even better kids and those kids gets these requests and send the photos. Not because they don’t know better but because the pressure is so great.
  • According to a study published in the New York Times, they looked at over 500 accounts of 12-18 year old girls and found that two-thirds of them were asked to share a nude or suggestive photo. Requests would promise affection and attention but once a girl would turn down the request, affection turned to anger or even threatening language. Of the girls who shared images, only 8% said they did it because they wanted to, the others would because they didn’t want to make the boy mad at them. Girls in relationships faced a higher rate of being asked and their partner would often make them feel badly because “everyone else has a picture” of their girlfriend.

What Can You Do

  • Talk to your child. A LOT. Even when they roll their eyes at you, do it some more. Bring it up when you’re carpooling friends and ask hypothetically, “what would you do if someone sent you that kind of photo?” and see what they say. Offer them suggestions on who they should talk to about it but also reinforce that this isn’t tattling, this is a safety issue.
  • Talk about what it means to be a good friend, or a boyfriend/girlfriend. Make sure they know that being a good person means respecting them when they are there but also when they aren’t, and also respecting yourself. Make sure they know that asking for these kinds of photos are a violation of someone else’s safety and well-being and it’s never OK.
  • Check their phones. I know you can’t monitor Snapchat like you can other types of accounts, but you can still look through other apps, photos and messages, and check notes and hidden folders. Really go through the entire thing. Ask them questions.
  • Remind them that what they put out there–lame tweets and Instagram photos included–are out there forever. What you do now makes a big impact on where you want to go later. Future colleges and job prospects may see them and it could affect opportunities. If you would not be OK with it on a billboard, you should not put it on the internet.
  • Be the really mean cool mom. It seems like an oxymoron, but it’s not. When I grew up I always knew if I did something I shouldn’t, my mom would kill me. I told my friends this all the time. I would be asked to go to a party and my friend would say, “No way- her mom would kill her” and it was true. Have very clear boundaries and be very strict about them and don’t be afraid to let their friends know the rules.
  • If you see something, say something. Would you want another parent to tell you if they saw your child doing something not so great? You need to return that courtesy to them. This is what they mean when they say it takes a village.

The Low Down on Snapchat | Duluth Moms Blog

Ultimately, kids need structure and they need boundaries. They will push on them and you’ll want to give in a little because they really are such good kids, but stand firm. If you give a little, it’ll be a little more next time, and the time after that. That’s not to say never give them freedom, but do so with reason, and don’t forget to praise them when they do make a good choice. Raising a child right now is absolutely nothing like when we grew up. We thought we were slick, and we really were, but kids now are facing unprecedented peer pressure to do things that are harmful to them. We still have the worries of drugs and alcohol, of course, but social media is a beast all on its own and we’re the parents setting the bar on how to monitor our kids and keep them safe. No pressure or anything.

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Sara Strand
Sara is a stay home mom (not a regular mom, a “cool” mom) of two teenagers and two elementary grade kids, who is always stressed out because one has their driver's license, one is a free spirit, one is fearless, and one is always in the clouds. In her “free time”, she is a book reviewer, dance mom, true crime podcast junkie, Dateline/Keith Morrison fan club devotee, and an Amniotic Fluid Embolism survivor. Always honest and sometimes funny, you can also find her at her blog, Stranded in Chaos (www.strandedinchaos.com), where she shares good (and not so good) books, tales from mom life, recovery and life after birth trauma, and livin’ la vida loca after 40ish.